It’s been difficult time over the last few years, and I appreciate your prayers. There have been family problems as I’ve told you before. My kids need your prayers. I have been waiting for the LORD through sleepless nights, the banality of gray days, punctuated by pain, sighs of heartsick hope, fearful whisperings, and loneliness. It sometimes feels like the "samsara" of the desert, a place of exile. There is no place I want to go anymore... I walk with a limp, friends. The sages say that our father Isaac went blind because the angel’s tears fell into his eyes as he lay bound upon the altar... I wonder if he might have later asked himself what use is there to see any more of this world? But (surprisingly) God used his blindness to allow the blessing to be given to Jacob, after all.
Some wounds are incurable in this present life... I have felt swallowed up in grief and inexplicable sorrow from days before I knew my right hand from my left. Shame has been a constant companion; melancholy my muse. I cannot outrun myself. “Cursed be the day wherein I was born!” exclaimed both Job and Jeremiah (Job 3:3; Jer. 20:14). “If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me -- if I have found favor in your eyes -- and do not let me face my own ruin” said Moses (Num. 11:15). Elijah likewise prayed that he might die: “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors” (1 Kings 19:4).
Of course personal suffering in this life is common enough, and no one is immune to it, though it is especially poignant, I think, to souls that seek God’s presence and love above all things, for these people are bound to be misfits in this world of vanity and conceit. Soren Kierkegaard is such an example, and he once wrote: “What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.... And people flock around the poet and say: ‘Sing again soon’ - that is, ‘May new sufferings torment your soul but your lips be fashioned as before, for the cry would only frighten us, but the music, that is blissful.’”
Jewish philosopher Martin Buber spoke of the loneliness that results from Modern society, which he called an “It-world” that is marked by the prevalence of “I–It” rather than “I–Thou” relationships. The realm of the “institution” objectifies or “thingifies” people, and this bureaucratic “system” creates a sense of existential angst. Trapped in the “It-world,” people begin to feel that life is meaningless, as they are numbered among the “faceless crowd” and are enthralled in a Kafkaesque prison of loneliness... The way out for Buber - and this is surely right - is to be in a life-transforming relationship with God, the ultimate “I-Thou” connection that will sustain our way despite the hardness of the “It-world.” We find this in the passion of Yeshua…
Our Lord said: “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...” (Matt. 5:6). Yes, blessed are those who suffer such desperate need, who know inner emptiness, who are not made numb to the ache, and who cry from the heart for deliverance. Blessed are those who are in dread over themselves, who fall as one dead before the Divine Presence, who know they are undone, ruined, and dying for life... The great danger, spiritually speaking, is to become complacent, untouched by poverty of heart, to be lulled asleep, lost within a dream, made comatose, living-yet-dead. The gift of faith first reveals our own lostness and then imparts courage to live with ourselves (despite ourselves) as we seek God’s healing and life...
“Blessed art Thou, LORD our God, who never leaves nor forsakes us, and who draws us close through hunger and thirst.” Amen. We are truly blessed when we ache with heartfelt longing for the Divine Presence... This is not some form of masochistic spirituality. Feeling content, unconcerned, satisfied, numb, etc., may be a sign of a dreadful condition of heart. “You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water” (Psalm 63:1).
Well I didn't intend to make this a long post, so I will close for now. I hope I didn’t come across as being full of self-pity, friends. I know we all struggle and hurt at times. But please remember me in prayers, for I truly need them. And I pray that Hebrew for Christians will not be an “I-it” relationship for you, but one that helps you draw closer to the LORD and the “I-Thou” blessing of knowing him better. Amen.
Psalm 42:2
צָמְאָה נַפְשִׁי לֵאלֹהִים לְאֵל
חָי מָתַי אָבוֹא וְאֵרָאֶה פְּנֵי אֱלֹהִים
“My soul thirsts for God, for the Living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?”
